Sometimes we don't realize we're changing as its happening (no matter how self aware you are). One day you wake up and realize something is different about you. Something that you can't fix overnight like fingernail polish or a bad hair day.....deep roots that have pushed through the surface. This realization can be wonderful or really disheartening because true change is difficult to correct. If it is positive then you really can feel victorious and, quite frankly, awesome about yourself. Maybe you've conquered a fear you've always had and you wake up one day to realize that you're really not held captive by that anymore. Maybe something you've never liked or accepted about yourself has either evolved into something wonderful or you've learned to love who the Lord created YOU to be. These awesome, positive awakenings really make you hopeful. You find that you aren't always stuck in ruts where you feel unable to get out, sometimes you really do get out and improve and grow.
Then there are the dark seasons of the soul when you realize that time has passed by you and the aftermath has revealed changes within your being that you don't like. It's like the small pieces that seem harmless but when put together reveal something ugly and painful. These pieces weave together a tapestry of regret as the seemingly harmless situations unite to reveal something inside you that hasn't always been there and that you absolutely need to be rid of.
When I think about the past year of my life, I have a lot of small situations that make me regret not guarding myself or listening to the discernment of the Spirit. I jumped headfirst into situation after situation that left me hurt and insecure. So of course the logical response would be to enter the same situation yet again....with the same mindset.....
What's so crazy is that while I was passing through these similar situations I honestly didn't realize what was happening. Each time I found myself hurting I would ask the Lord the same question "why does this always happen to me?" Instead of waiting for an answer though, I moved on as quickly as I could to jump into something new that I felt would fulfill me. Only to feel the same in a matter of time.
Sometimes the Lord leads us through similar situations until we finally get what we need to understand from them (HELLO Israel wondering for forty years....) This life isn't simply living through happenstance situations...the Lord is sovereign and purposeful. Everything we walk through: difficult or easy, beautiful or seemingly ugly...has purpose to mold us into who we're supposed to be. Even when you walk through a time of rebellion and make mistakes you never thought you would make....Oh the beauty of the Lord restoring and redeeming EVEN THAT time. He will redirect all things to His glory and good purpose.
In nature winter is the time of the most growth. We don't see that. We see a cold, still, white, bleak season and assume Spring is what we're waiting for to see beauty. It is during this seeming stillness, though, that the most growth is taking place underneath the surface. Spring is simply a time for it's debut.
I feel I've been walking through a long winter. One that is just now beginning to let up and reveal the growth thats been happening underneath the surface without my knowledge of it. I'm beginning to see anew who I am and who I am intended to be.
Lord determine each of our steps to fulfill the good plans you've ordained us to walk in and may winters always end with the brilliance and understanding of Spring.
-Katie Ro
